David Blaine visits South Park, impressing the town's residents, including Kyle, Stan, Cartman, and Kenny, with his street magic. Mesmerized, the boys join the cult of "Blaintology," hoping to learn more about magic. Stan becomes progressively more disturbed by the cult and soon leaves, but Kyle refuses to join him, and so Stan asks Jesus for help. Meanwhile, Kyle and Cartman go door to door in a recruitment drive, sporting nametags labeled "Elder Kyle" and "Elder Cartman."
Jesus appears at Blaine's show in Denver, and challenges him by performing the miracle of the loaves and fish, after requesting that everybody in the audience turn around, while Blaine manages to win the crowd with much more powerful enchantments. Jesus promptly requires the assistance of the Super Best Friends, a group of major religious figures including Muhammad, Buddha, Moses, Joseph Smith, Krishna, Laozi and "Sea Man", an Aquaman-like character. They are dedicated to defending the world against evil (except for Buddha, who "doesn't really believe in evil").
The Blaintologists, meanwhile, petition the government for tax-exempt status. Their request is denied, and all the Blaintologists are told that they are to commit mass suicide in Washington, D.C. Kyle is shown to have escaped the cult's control, but when he tries to convince Cartman that they should flee, Cartman reports him, and Kyle is imprisoned in a glass bubble and forced to participate at the mass suicide. When word about the mass suicide reaches the Super Best Friends, they consult Moses (previously seen in "Jewbilee") for advice.
In D.C., the Blaintologists begin to drown themselves in the Reflecting Pool even though it is only approximately a foot deep, while Cartman installs a hose in Kyle's glass bubble to fill it with water, so as to drown him. The Super Best Friends arrive at the scene, to which Blaine responds by animating the statue of Abraham Lincoln to fight them.
Meanwhile, Stan searches for his friends, first finding Kenny drowned in the pool and shouting "Oh my God! They killed Kenny!", to which Kyle replies "You bastards!"; they alternately repeat their catchphrases in Marco Polo fashion to find each other. In order to defeat the Abraham Lincoln statue, the Super Best Friends create a giant animated John Wilkes Booth statue, which shoots it in the head, causing it to fall over and shatter Kyle's prison. Afterwards, Joseph Smith uses his ice powers to freeze the reflecting pool so as to prevent more suicides.
It is revealed that Cartman has not managed to kill himself, as he keeps coming up for air. Blaine curses the Super Best Friends for ruining his plans and flies away in a rocket ship. Stan finally announces that any religion which forces people to relinquish their money or control over their lives is really a cult. After his speech, Kyle reconciles with Stan, they amuse themselves with kicking a taunting Cartman in the testicles, and the episode ends with the Super Best Friends flying away.