Haggard: The Movie
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|Haggard: The Movie|
Haggard movie poster
|Produced by||Bam Margera
|Written by||Bam Margera
|Distributed by||411 Productions
|June 24, 2003|
Haggard: The Movie is a 2003 American independent
The film's protagonist, Ryan (
Valo seeks out Falcone, who is in his basement working on the "Reverse Microwave" (a microwave oven that now cools things down) for an upcoming Invention of the Future contest. After Valo explains Ryan's request, Falcone agrees to vandalize Glauren's house only because he needs the 100 dollars to buy Freon to get the invention working. At Glauren's house, Falcone defecates in the gas tank of Glauren's car and has Valo duct tape Don Vito's (
While Falcone picks up his idiot cousin Raab (
Still depressed and not convinced that Glauren didn't sleep with Hellboy, Ryan gives Valo a video camera and asks for him to break into Glauren's house to find and record any evidence of her sleeping with Hellboy. Falcone agrees to go along with the break-in, and suggests that Raab be the getaway driver. Valo reluctantly agrees (as he hates Raab because of his voice, his laugh, his stupidity, and a grunting noise he makes throughout the film). In an attempt to patch up their relationship, Ryan and Glauren meet for a date and decide to get back together, but Ryan is unable to contact Valo to call off the break-in.
Right after Ryan leaves from escorting her home, Glauren runs off with Hellboy to a bonfire with his friends. At that time, Valo and Falcone break in and start recording their findings with the video camera, such as a dildo in her drawers and pages of her diary which Falcone reads aloud. Unfortunately, Glauren and Hellboy return home early, forcing Valo and Falcone to hide in her closet and watch as they have sex. Upon Hellboy noticing the video camera left on the dresser, Valo and Falcone make a speedy escape with the camera to Raab's car and get away, but not before Falcone sustains a beating from a pursuing Hellboy. Meeting them at Valo's place, a happier Ryan tells them he is convinced that his relationship with Glauren is restored. They show him the footage from the break-in (including Hellboy and Glauren having sex), at which point, he becomes angry at Glauren's betrayal. Valo and Falcone tell him not to worry, as they have a plan set up to get revenge on Hellboy.
After Falcone (in disguise) falsely informs Hellboy that a new album from the band
While Ryan and Heather's romance blossoms, Falcone is able to finish the Reverse Microwave to enter for the invention contest, winning the first place prize of a mountain bike covered with diamonds. At the after-party, while Falcone shows off his bike, Glauren arrives in an attempt to seduce Ryan; Ryan rejects her with a simple dismissal of "fuck off". She storms off angrily, but not before she randomly slaps Valo and pushes and shoves a few men. Glauren is then accompanied by a lesbian, while Ryan remains happily with his new lover. Upset that his date didn't show up and everything is working out fine for his friends, Valo finds an acquaintance from the contest, Ali ( Olivia Hammond), who invites him back to her house, where they begin to make out. During this time, Ryan makes out with Heather and Glauren and the lesbian make out as well, with Glauren becoming a lesbian herself. Unfortunately for Valo, an injured and heavily bandaged Hellboy arrives, revealing himself to be Ali's brother, and Valo hastily escapes through a window. The next day, Valo and Falcone are seen sitting on a park bench, where they laugh about Valo's experience with Hellboy and Ryan going through the same exact problem with Heather. They then walk away, happy that everything is as it should be.