Haggard: The Movie

Haggard: The Movie
Hagmovposter.jpg
Haggard movie poster
Directed by Bam Margera
Produced by Bam Margera
Joseph Frantz
Brandon Dicamillo
Written by Bam Margera
Chris "Hoofbite" Aspite
Brandon DiCamillo
Starring Ryan Dunn
Jenn Rivell
Brandon DiCamillo
Bam Margera
Rake Yohn
and Raab Himself
Distributed by 411 Productions
Ventura Distribution
Release date
June 24, 2003
Running time
96 min.
Country United States
Language English
Budget $550,000 (estimated)

Haggard: The Movie is a 2003 American independent comedy film based on the story of how reality television personality Ryan Dunn's girlfriend may have cheated on him. The film was financed, directed and produced by Bam Margera. [1]

Plot

The film's protagonist, Ryan ( Ryan Dunn) is devastated and depressed after his girlfriend Glauren (Jenn Rivell) breaks up with him. Ryan believes she is seeing someone else and attempts to call Glauren several times, to which she finally returns his calls to reveal that she is in fact seeing someone named Hellboy ( Rake Yohn), but denies sleeping with him; however Ryan does not believe her. He runs to the local coffee house where he finds his friend, Valo ( Bam Margera), to explain what happened. After he attacks a customer for "taunting" him, Ryan requests that Valo vandalize Glauren's house, and he will pay him and Falcone ( Brandon DiCamillo) 100 dollars each to do it. Valo then suggests that he should try and talk to some other girls. Ryan tries his luck with a girl in the coffee house, but after he insults her, she stabs him in the eye with a fork, which leaves him screaming in pain and he passes out on the floor. He now has to wear an eyepatch until his eye heals.

Valo seeks out Falcone, who is in his basement working on the "Reverse Microwave" (a microwave oven that now cools things down) for an upcoming Invention of the Future contest. After Valo explains Ryan's request, Falcone agrees to vandalize Glauren's house only because he needs the 100 dollars to buy Freon to get the invention working. At Glauren's house, Falcone defecates in the gas tank of Glauren's car and has Valo duct tape Don Vito's ( Vincent Margera) feces to her garage door. They are interrupted by the sudden arrival of Glauren and Hellboy, forcing Valo to hide in some nearby bushes. Hellboy ends up urinating into the bushes, onto Valo's face, as Falcone watches from the roof in amusement. After returning to collect their reward from Ryan, they discover that he got a pathetic tattoo of a rhino, only because Glauren loves rhinos. Over the next few days, he sinks deeper into depression, much to the annoyance of Don Vito, whose house Ryan lives in.

While Falcone picks up his idiot cousin Raab ( Chris Raab) from the train station, Valo seeks advice from Dooli ( Brandon Novak) and Naked Dave ( David DeCurtis) about some stress-relief solutions for Ryan. Naked Dave suggests that Ryan should break bottles behind a Wawa convenience store. Ryan gets arrested for it, but after hearing about his problem, the arresting cop ( Tony Hawk) gives him a break (as the cop is going through the same problem as Ryan with his "soon-to-be-ex-wife").

Still depressed and not convinced that Glauren didn't sleep with Hellboy, Ryan gives Valo a video camera and asks for him to break into Glauren's house to find and record any evidence of her sleeping with Hellboy. Falcone agrees to go along with the break-in, and suggests that Raab be the getaway driver. Valo reluctantly agrees (as he hates Raab because of his voice, his laugh, his stupidity, and a grunting noise he makes throughout the film). In an attempt to patch up their relationship, Ryan and Glauren meet for a date and decide to get back together, but Ryan is unable to contact Valo to call off the break-in.

Right after Ryan leaves from escorting her home, Glauren runs off with Hellboy to a bonfire with his friends. At that time, Valo and Falcone break in and start recording their findings with the video camera, such as a dildo in her drawers and pages of her diary which Falcone reads aloud. Unfortunately, Glauren and Hellboy return home early, forcing Valo and Falcone to hide in her closet and watch as they have sex. Upon Hellboy noticing the video camera left on the dresser, Valo and Falcone make a speedy escape with the camera to Raab's car and get away, but not before Falcone sustains a beating from a pursuing Hellboy. Meeting them at Valo's place, a happier Ryan tells them he is convinced that his relationship with Glauren is restored. They show him the footage from the break-in (including Hellboy and Glauren having sex), at which point, he becomes angry at Glauren's betrayal. Valo and Falcone tell him not to worry, as they have a plan set up to get revenge on Hellboy.

After Falcone (in disguise) falsely informs Hellboy that a new album from the band Gnarkill was released at the music shop Record Bin, Falcone prank calls the Record Bin owner, Cactus ( Jason Ellis), insulting the band (which Cactus loves). Upon arriving at the shop, Hellboy gets attacked by an enraged Cactus, thinking that it was Hellboy who called him, while Ryan, Valo, and Falcone look on through the shop's door. Hellboy spots them and engages the trio in a lengthy chase which forces them to split up. Ryan hides in a taxi with Heather ( Angie Cuturic), who eventually becomes his new girlfriend, Valo barely escapes with the timely intervention of a skateboard arranged by Dooli, Falcone ends up in a junkyard full of refrigerators (containing the Freon he's been looking for), and Hellboy is run over by the taxi holding Ryan and Heather.

While Ryan and Heather's romance blossoms, Falcone is able to finish the Reverse Microwave to enter for the invention contest, winning the first place prize of a mountain bike covered with diamonds. At the after-party, while Falcone shows off his bike, Glauren arrives in an attempt to seduce Ryan; Ryan rejects her with a simple dismissal of "fuck off". She storms off angrily, but not before she randomly slaps Valo and pushes and shoves a few men. Glauren is then accompanied by a lesbian, while Ryan remains happily with his new lover. Upset that his date didn't show up and everything is working out fine for his friends, Valo finds an acquaintance from the contest, Ali ( Olivia Hammond), who invites him back to her house, where they begin to make out. During this time, Ryan makes out with Heather and Glauren and the lesbian make out as well, with Glauren becoming a lesbian herself. Unfortunately for Valo, an injured and heavily bandaged Hellboy arrives, revealing himself to be Ali's brother, and Valo hastily escapes through a window. The next day, Valo and Falcone are seen sitting on a park bench, where they laugh about Valo's experience with Hellboy and Ryan going through the same exact problem with Heather. They then walk away, happy that everything is as it should be.

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